Finding Your Footing at the Family Table
The leaves are down, the trails are slick, and the holiday invitations are starting to arrive. Anyone who hikes in the fall knows that footing matters more than the destination. You don’t need a perfect plan for the climb, you just need a few places to put your feet when the ground gets slippery. The holidays with family are the same.
I don’t know about you, but there was a time I was sure I wouldn’t slip back into pleasing or performing, only to be humbled once again.
Why the holidays stir things up
Sit in the same chair, hear the same tone of voice, smell the same kitchen, and something in your body quietly goes back in time. Your nervous system doesn’t check the calendar. It responds to the pattern. So you can be a grown, capable adult and still feel fourteen by the second hour, with old roles, old rules, and old reactions all suddenly switched back on.
That isn’t a flaw, and it isn’t dramatic. It’s an old experience that never got to finish, brushing up against the present. Does that sound familiar?
General self-care still matters: sleep, a walk, water, saying no to one extra thing. But when you’re surrounded by family, here are four footholds I’d reach for first.
A small practice: Four Footholds
Know where you are. When you feel yourself sliding backward, quietly name what’s true today. “It’s [this year]. I’m [your age]. I’m in [this room], with [these people].” Feel your feet on the floor and notice one thing you can see. This gives your body current evidence that then is not now.
Set it down for later. When something stirs that you can’t deal with at the table, say to yourself, “This is real, and it can wait.” Picture a box with a lid, set it inside, and choose an actual time to open it: the drive home, tomorrow’s walk, your next session. Say it like a promise you’ll keep. This isn’t avoidance. You’re deciding when, not whether.
Know what you stand for. Before you walk in, choose one thing you stand for. “I’m someone who stays kind,” or “I’m someone who doesn’t need to win.” When a conversation heats up, silently name that value instead of the point you’re trying to prove. And keep one sentence ready for the automatic yes: “Let me check and get back to you.” Afterward, ask only one question: did I stay someone I recognize?
Step away and reset. Know your exit before you need it. A bathroom, the porch, the dog’s walk. Splash cool water on your wrists or face, take one long exhale like you’re fogging a window, hum quietly, or press your palms against a wall for ten seconds. Two minutes is enough to come back.
You don’t have to use all four. One that fits is plenty.
If the holidays tend to stir the old stuff
Some of what surfaces at the family table has been circling for years and is asking for more than a few footholds. That’s the kind of work EMDR Intensives and Spiritual Transformation sessions are built for. If you’d like to go deeper, reach out and we’ll find the right place to start.
With Love and Light,
Deanne
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